You Don’t Get a Trophy

“You don’t get a trophy. There is no award.” Sometimes these words are shared in the months and weeks before labor in response to your being excited or nervous for labor.   Sometimes these words come after you say that you may want an unmedicated birth, or if you share an intention to hold off on an epidural for as long as possible.  Often they are said with a kind smile from those who believe they know better.  “It’s nice that you think labor will be something positive, but just remember, you don’t get an award.” 

 The other time these words are said is during labor itself when perhaps you’re internally struggling with the decision to get an epidural or of what to do next in labor.  Maybe you are significantly uncomfortable during your body’s surges, maybe labor is taking a long time and you are growing tired, or maybe someone else has declared that your labor is taking too long.  Other times, you may be staying in the zone of labor and working with your body and your strength.  When the line “You don’t get a trophy” is offered at this point, the statement, while always well-meaning, is often said with a sigh and a headshake—a gentle reminder that things don’t always go according to plan, and “there’s really no need to continue to suffer because no one gets an award.”

 At this point, check in with yourself: Did you ask for an epidural?  Do you feel certain that it is what you want?  Are you suffering?  When one is suffering and feeling overwhelmed by the surges that run through their body in labor, then there is no question: You want the epidural.  You know.  When you know that the decision for pain medication is the right time and right call for you, then there is no discussion or convincing that needs to take place.  Reassurance of no awards or trophies is insignificant—insignificant and deeply mistaken. 

 Let’s remember that labor is more than simply a means to an end.  It’s more than just something painful and difficult that people go through in order to have a baby.  Labor and birth are transformational for you and for your partner—whether that partner is a spouse, friend or relative.  Labor is filled with moments that strengthen you and the relationship between the two of you, solidifying or stabilizing the foundation upon which you begin parenting. 

 If you are a single parent and surrounded by support in your birth space, you are able to get in sync with your body’s rhythms, connected to your inner self, and amazed by the power within you.  If you are laboring with a loved one and you are surrounded by support, you hold each other, work together, strengthen each other and grow closer.  When the baby is born, often you look at yourself and at each other in awe, overwhelmed by feelings of pride, exhaustion, and disbelief in the depth of your strength and the feat you just accomplished.

 Parenting is the most important job that you will have.  You deserve to begin it with confidence and a strengthened relationship with yourself and your partner.  That is your trophy.  That is your award, and it is far too important to treat dismissively. 

 Informing yourself during pregnancy is the first part of your journey of parenting.  Most of us wouldn’t even go to a restaurant without reading extensively about it, yet many feel comfortable allowing birth and all the decisions that come along with it to rest squarely in the hands of others.  When you hear statements about not getting awards and not being able to prepare for all situations, you are being discouraged from taking an active role in a transformational time that is pivotal in your life.  Where else in your life’s journey is this appropriate?

 Take classes, read evidence-based information, engage with your provider, prepare for your birth experience, and create your supportive birth team.  Every birth is different.  Every birth is filled with meaning.  Ignore those who offer their well-intentioned, yet ill-informed statements that remove your freedom to build and be in your own experience.  Go get your “trophy”—your self-empowerment and your solid foundation for your parenting journey, and don’t let anyone tell you that it does not exist.